For the last few weeks I have isolated myself on purpose to get closer to the Father and to let Him heal me physically and in every way. I have cut off facebook, actually deactivated my account, have cut some life-sucking people out of my life and I can't even express how much better I feel and how much more productive I have been. I have been a people-pleaser for most of my life and I am just now truly feeling that it is ok for me to say "NO" and not feel bad about it. In the past I would always do whatever my friends or family wanted or expected me to do. Of course that was wonderful for them, but not so good for me.
I am learning that it is ok to love myself, it is also ok to pamper myself. To make sure that there are fresh flowers in the house, to make sure that the things that I love to eat and to cook are here and not to care what others think about how I decorate my apartment, what I wear or how I choose to wear my hair. Lord have mercy, it has literally taken a lifetime to come to these realizations and now here I am 54 years old and just now no longer struggling with these things.
Why? why did it take me so long? Why in the world would a person feel the need to put their own needs and desires to the side and feel the need to make sure that everyone in the room is happy, except for me? Why? well it started at a very early age. Trying to keep everyone from arguing, I would dance and sing and tell jokes and do just about anything to keep everyone happy. This formed a very bad pattern, needless to say and hence just now realizing that I am ok without all of that drama in my life.
I really don't have to be where I am just tolerated, I can go and be with people that celebrate me just me, for being me and for no other reason. Being around people that just want to be around me because I am good company and am a very interesting person. Not so I will do something for them or give something to them. I have had good friends for years try to tell me that I didn't have to please anyone but the Father and myself and I would hear them and nod and keep right on doing my same ole dysfunctional junk to keep the ball rolling.
I am finally to a place with the Father that as long as He is pleased with me, I am super happy and couldn't care less what others think. I have been just super soaking in worship music and the word and good books and just doing what I want to do. Cooking, reading, watching you tube videos, playing with my little dog and just enjoying being with the Father. Noone else needed or wanted at this time for that matter. I am not saying that I don't love people, because I do love people but I have had to let a whole bunch of folks go out of my life in order to maintain a peaceful existence and keep my sanity.
As a minister it is hard at best to be able to have peace in your life if you don't put boundaries around people. They always step too far into your personal space. Calling, texting and messaging at all hours of the night, never realizing that you need sleep and rest just like they do. They feel, I supposed, if they are up everyone should be up. I have tolerated this type of behavior out of folks for quite some time now and I am finally putting my foot down and putting a stop to all of it. I have to get rest, I have to let the Father restore me or I will fall apart. For the last few months I have literally felt like I was having a nervous breakdown because I was trying to please people and to be what others wanted me to be. I finally had to put the breaks on and pull aside and let the Lord minister to me, just to me and restore my weary soul.
I feel so much better now and will be making even further changes to bring order, peace and happiness to my own life. As soon as my health is better, I am going to start traveling and just soaking up the Father's great creation. He is so good and there are so many places that I have never seen and I am going to enjoy my life while there is still some life left to enjoy. We are not promised tomorrow and I have spent far too too too much time making everyone but me happy. Now it is time for me to please me.
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