Today is the first day in a very long while that I have written a blog. I don't know why, other than procrastination which seems to be my constant companion these days. Without a boss to crack the whip on a deadline of a project, I tend to just muddle along unless I really enjoy doing something or feel pressed to do it. I have been going down, down, down into a spiral of depression for quite some few weeks now and am finally coming up out of the dark hole. I don't talk about it much to folks because I don't want to depress them or feel their pity either.
I do want to blog about it now because I know that if I force myself to do so, in the process, it will help someone else who may be going through the same thing and not know how to express their feelings. I am a writer, a speaker a loud mouth of sorts but that is only a tiny fraction of the who that I really am. I am actually not that good at making friends and so therefore I have but a few. Sometimes it seems to me that, although they may not mean to, folks make things worse for those of us who tend towards depression. By this I mean that they say really foolish and even asinine things that are hurtful and completely unhelpful. The things I am referring to are things like, "How can you be a Christian and still be this depressed?" or "I thought you were a Christian." those statements and ones like them are so counterproductive to say the very least and can actually prolong the time that is spent in the "cave", as I call it from time to time.
Being in the cave can be productive if spent reading, writing, learning something new or just catching up on projects or even starting new ones but if a stent in the cave has been like this one of mine, it is not productive and seems to be an endless and bottomless pit of despair, depression, and a sense of hopelessness, hence the reason folks made the aforementioned remarks. People seem to think that if you are a follower of Christ that you should never be depressed,or feel hopeless or hapless as some might say. I completely disagree and will try to explain it as best I can in this blog.
Being a follower of Christ means just that, that you do your fair-level best to follow after His teachings, His will and His ways. This does not however mean that once you have become a follower that your emotions, feelings and hurts are stripped from you and left at the door of entrance into this vast kingdom of God. Quite the contrary as a matter of fact, in some ways, I feel that because I am a Christ follower, a child of God, that it makes me even more emotional at times and more likely to get my feelings hurt or feel altogether hopeless at times because I realize how great God is and how powerful He is and when things don't work out as I have been praying for them to and I fully realize that He could have made them to work out, it then leaves me momentarily with that feeling of why? why God why? and then the depression, anxiety, human emotions take over and they just run away with me to the cave.
I absolutely don't expect many people to understand what I write here and that is ok. Everyone has to work out their own salvation with fear and trembling and this is mine and I am daily working it out with my God. I am on the mend and I am coming up out of this cave, out of this dark time and the joy of the Lord that is my strength is returning. To those of you that have or do suffer in this way fully understand of what I speak and those that don't will be scratching your heads trying to figure out what I am talking about.
That's ok too cause every person is different and deals with things in their own way. I tend to go internal and steer clear of folks until I can work it out with the Lord. I call this the Elijah cave-dwelling moment. You know where you have a miniature pity party and ask God a thousand questions and just feel sorry for yourself for a bit and then move on well...that's me and that is how I do it and I have heard over the years many different ways that people deal with depression.
Some folks deny it altogether and just push on, others sleep a whole lot, others surround themselves with even more people in hopes that the depression is fearful of crowds and will leave, I suppose. However you deal with it, hoorah for you and in the doing, I pray that you receive the strength from the Lord to move onwards and upwards towards the high calling which is in Christ Jesus. I am still learning daily to cast my cares upon Him because He truly cares for me and wants what is best in my life.
