I am writing straight from my soul tonight. I spent the entire day with my mother today. She is 96 years old. I missed the entire month of April visiting with her because I just couldn't bring myself to go, I just couldn't look at her, with her little weak, frail body and listen to her ramble about things that make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I just couldn't go one more day and absorb all of the pain and bitterness and discontent that I could feel in her every single time I went to visit. I guess I sort of just checked out on her for a bit. In my heart of hearts I wanted to be there with her. Trying to job her memories of family and friends from the past. I would color with her, and watch tv, just talk for hours and some days were really good and some days were just God awful! But, I am her daughter, I need to be there. I need to do whatever I can to make her last days as comfortable and happy and possible.
Regret tries to rear it's ugly head sometimes when I visit her. I remember back many years when I was not a good daughter. That's the nice way of saying it I suppose. My mother and I have always had a strained relationship at best. She can blame me and I can blame her but to what avail at this point? For the most part she has absolutely no memory of me being a bad daughter. Wow, I am actually grateful for that. But, I do have all of the bad memories stored that I truly wish I could just dump on a disc and remove them from my harddrive forever but it is not to be that way. The way of the transgressor is hard. I was indeed a transgressor to say the very least. Regret is a monster, it stalks you, it lurks around every corner. Regret will make you turn up the bottle, it will make you depressed, anxious, and down right crazy if you let it and I have let it do all of those things to me and so much more over the years.
No, I don't turn up the tequila anymore, I don't pop pills anymore, I don't sleep around anymore, I don't disappear for months on end anymore, but I still carry the memories of all of those things. I am grateful to my GREAT GOD, who tells me in His word that there is therefore now no condemnation to those that are in Christ Jesus. Thank you God! This is why I shout and praise and worship and run and dance before the Lord because He has done great and mighty things for me. He has been my only friend and companion many times, He has pulled me out of a pit, just to watch me jump right back in again as if oblivious to the outcome! He has pursued me as I walked in some mighty mighty dark places in my life. He never gave up on me!! My family did. My friends did. I even did. But my God never ever gave up on me! Hallelujah to God!! I am a living testimony to the faithfulness and the love of our great God!
Regrets? I have many. But, His love and forgiveness far far outweigh any bondages of self-loathing or pity or regrets that I have. He is good, that is all. He is merciful. His mercies are new every morning and trust me, I need them. I wait for them to finish baking in that great oven in the sky, I need my mercies people. I am not a nice person without God. I am reckless, I am crazy and I am selfish and downright mean without Him and I know this about myself. I need Him. You all might not need Him like I do but I am here to tell you, I NEED HIM, I NEED HIM!! I seek Him every day, every minute. I am talking to Him, yes outloud and folks think I am crazy and look at me like I have lost my mind. I don't care. I have to get His map, I have to have that divine connection so that I don't make wrong turns and say wrong things and end up in a ditch. Is there anyone else out there like me? Is there anyone else out there that has to have the Holy Spirit of God riding shotgun 24/7?
I haven't written anything in a while and tonight I was just so overwhelmed with so many emotions when I left my mom to come back home that I just had to write it all out, if it is too RAW for anyone, I surely do hate it and my apologies to ya but it is real and it is honest and I just know it will help someone that might be feeling some of the same things. Regret will eat you up if you let it, don't let it happen. Don't allow the enemy of your soul to pull you to the side and talk to you, tell him to shut up, he is a liar and has been since the beginning. Rebuke him and send him on his way. God is your buckler and your shield. He is the only one that will stick with you all the way to the very end. Lean on Him, He will see you through.
