For the last several days I have just been on a cleaning frenzy. I really don't know why or understand what has been my pressing need to clean and organize and do, do, do but I have felt almost an urgency to get all of these things done. I actually wore myself out for 3 days in a row just cleaning and straightening, and adjusting and organizing as if I were expecting that some super OCD fairy was coming with her white gloves to inspect my living space.
I did all of my clothing laundry one day and cooked and straightened and organized and felt like I just wasn't doing enough. I don't know why I felt that way but I did. No matter how much I got done, every single time that I sat down I would see all that still needed to be done or actually things that I wanted to get done instead of seeing all that I had already accomplished. The next day I laundered all of the bed linens and bath mats, and kitchen rugs and so forth and swept and mopped and vacuumed and organized some more and still I really didn't feel like I had gotten as much done in my day as I should have. I just couldn't seem to allow myself to feel a sense of accomplishment and when I finally did lie down to go to sleep, I had a million thoughts bombarding me of things that I need to get done. I need to do this and that and I really need to get that finished and I really should have, this that and the other so much in fact that I was up at 3:45 am realizing that I had only slept like 20 minutes and was wide awake. So, I talked to the Lord and finally drifted off to sleep and was up again just a little while later and once again up and down and prayed and asleep.
After I got up this morning I began to think more on purpose about why have I been feeling this way for the last few days? Why have I felt like I just had to do this or that and felt pressed as if I don't have enough time in my day to get all of these things done. I finally figured out that although I don't have a husband here with me to expect certain chores to be done or a hot meal on the table at a certain time and although I no longer have my kids in my home with me to cook for and launder clothing for or any of those things, I still feel a pressing need to be busy all of the time. I feel like I am purposely giving myself busy work to keep from dealing with something and sure enough I remembered that I had dreamed something and had woken up with a knowing that I have had something bothering me for a while and it is something that needs to be dealt with and although it might not be well received I am going to have to have a conversation about this uncomfortable thing that has been bothering me, causing me to be super hyper and feel the need to stay busy continually and is now showing up in my dreams.
Someone, well actually a couple of someone's hurt my feelings really badly a few years back. I never felt like I had a voice at the time to tell them how they made me feel and why. I never felt like my feelings were even considered and I have so wanted to tell them that I truly did not appreciate being dismissed as if from class. Now that I have recognized what the problem is I realize within myself that the dealing of the said problem may in and of itself cause another problem. So....do I keep running in circles like a dog chasing it's tail? or do I head on on purpose attempt to deal with the emotions and feelings that are actually much more raw than I had realized? I choose to face the problem head on, I choose to not allow this situation to keep me up at night and bother me this badly. I choose to attempt to put my feelings into words and come to some sort of understanding with the ones that hurt me.
The word tells us that the Lord is near to the broken hearted, He is never more real in our lives than when we are wounded, have our feelings hurt, when we feel unnecessary or even an after thought in people's lives. He is with us, His name in and off itself means God with us and that He is God with us, He is for us and He loves us inexplicably and completely and His love is enough. His love has been enough for such a very long time. Emmanuel God with us. I am so grateful and humbled by the fact that He is with me. Every day, through every trial, every hurt, every tiny detail of my life, He is there. No matter who leaves, He is there. No matter what happens, He is still there. He is the peace that passes all understanding. I expect to sleep tonight knowing that I am in good hands and He is the way maker, and has called us to be instruments of His peace. I will lie down in peace and safety knowing that He is my Shepherd and He cares for me. I will cast my cares upon Him and go into a peaceful and sound sleep. No more fretting, no more overachieving, no more running around doing this or that and no more condemnation when I feel like I am not enough, or I am too much or I haven't done enough or maybe I have done too much. I will know tonight when I lie down that He is all I will ever need and He is the fixer of problems. He is the Rewarder of those that diligently seek Him and I have been seeking Him my whole life in one way or another. I have found Him and He truly is the lover of my soul and I know that He is working all things out for my good. No more anxious thoughts, not tonight, I will sleep and arise refreshed in the morning.
